What I Learned About Sex From My Granddaughter

I discovered in my 80s that sexual pleasure has no age limit.

By

Bea Lewis

 
Published August 22, 2024
illustration of grandmother talking to her granddaughter about sex
Pete Gamlen

‘Grandma, how old were you when you had sex for the first time,” my granddaughter asked during an afternoon strolling through the local mall. The question, out of the blue, surprised me. I nearly tripped over the packages I carried. She was 16 at the time. When I asked why she wanted to know, she simply responded, “Just curious.’’

I realized it was a serious question, and she deserved an honest response. I decided to be as truthful as I could. “I was a virgin until I married your grandpa at age 24 years," I said.

During a recent telephone conversation with her, now 32, she reminded me of that discussion years ago and of how I explained to her that the advent of the birth control pill (approved by the FDA in 1960) changed the landscape of sexual mores for women worldwide.

She asked if it had been good to wait for marriage — or if I had missed out on the sexual freedoms that she and young women of her generation enjoy.

“For women of my generation,” I answered, “sex before marriage was a badge of shame. I took pride in remaining a virgin until Grandpa put a wedding ring on my finger.’’

Some of my close girlfriends at the time said publicly (and with pride) that they too were virgins. But decades later, their secrets came out. One close friend admitted that she had slept with her college sweetheart in their senior year. Today, it is increasingly common for teens to have sex by their high school senior year!

I began to wonder who else among my friends did have sex before marriage, but who dared not tell the truth for fear of being branded “a slut.’’ “In your day,’’ my granddaughter continued, “would life have been better if you experienced different relationships to learn what you wanted in bed?”

I understood what she was asking, but looking back, I said, “I made the best of what I had. That’s what my world of marriage and fidelity was all about; for me, it was the norm. But the good news was that your grandpa and I learned together — there was a lot of fumbling and trying new things, but we were committed to pleasing ourselves and each other.’’

Now that I am widowed and on my own, I have taken a page or two from the books of the young women today. Life is short; it’s catch-up time! Enter the man of my dreams. He’s 88, still drives at night and a kisser like no other. He’s kind and caring, and the beauty of romance at this age is that we are free of the incumbent problems of raising the kids, paying the mortgage or even dealing with difficult in-laws.

For me right now, it’s a relationship that is footloose and fancy-free. And that’s what hot romance feels like at my age!

Another friend in her early 80s agrees. Widowed twice, she has not given up on another shot at romance. Between marriages, she told me about a bed companion named B.O.B — a battery-operated boyfriend. “It was so I wouldn’t forget how exciting an orgasm felt,’’ she said, of the device her granddaughter taught her how to use.

So when she met Norman online, now familiar with pleasure centers, she couldn’t wait to hop into bed with him. “He was all about pleasing me,” she said, as we sipped our wine, two happy 80-somethings at our senior community happy hour.

Yes, dating in our 80s is awakening! I heard this story from an 86-year-old who, like me, was a virgin when she married. She spoke of her “bland sexual marriage” for 56 years. When her husband passed away two years ago, she went from bland to exhilarating with a man she met at a church potluck supper.

Right from the get-go, this widow excitedly shared: “I was hooked. He’s so sexual, always touching, always kissing me on the back. But intercourse is off the table as he can’t get an erection. That’s fine by me because I have become as dry as the Saharan desert."

Maybe it’s taken a lifetime, but we single octogenarians who are living longer than ever have learned that we can ask for what we need in our romantic lives. For me, I have learned how to prioritize open communication, trust and emotional connection. And, that sexual pleasure has no age limit.

And us older women can also teach the young gals a thing or two, and here’s a central lesson: A new "hot to trot" partner can surely steam up dopamine levels to new heights. Trust me, dear granddaughters, when that initial flame dies down — and it will — it's the sharing, caring and being there for each other that keeps the emotional heat and connection flowing and growing!

 

Have any of you dated or found love later in life? Let us know in the comments below.

Before retirement, Bea Lewis was a staff writer for Newsday and New York Newsday. When she and her husband moved to Florida, she penned a Q&A column for The Palm Beach Post on parent/adult child relationships, and then shared that information in My Kids Are All Grown Up, So Why Are They Still Driving Me Crazy? How to Get Along With Your Adult Children, Their Spouses and Other Aliens. When her husband passed away, she shared her experiences in A Widow’s Journey: How I Went from Loss, to Learning, to Moving On. Bea has three daughters, five granddaughters, one grandson, and two great-granddaughters.