How I'm Staying Close to Spouse After 36 Years

Here's what we've learned after all these years.

Kristina Wright

Published September 17, 2026

Illustration of two older adults using smartphones in a comfortable home setting. One person sits on a couch while another sits at a table, both viewing positive message reactions on their screens

Michelle Kondrich

When people talk about long marriages, the conversation often swings between two extremes: the fairy-tale version where couples "live happily ever after" and the cautionary stories of relationships that eventually fall apart. Lately, there's been a lot of attention on "gray divorce" — couples ending decades-long marriages later in life.

Those stories matter, and every marriage has its own challenges and turning points. After 36 years together, my husband and I certainly don't have a secret formula for the perfect marriage. We only know what has worked for us.

Remember That You’re on the Same Team

One thing we've learned over the years is that, no matter how much love there is, staying close doesn't happen automatically. My husband served in the Navy for the first 25 years of our marriage, and at times we spent more time apart than together. We learned how important communication and flexibility were, which helped us handle whatever life (or the Navy) threw at us while remembering we were on the same team.

We delayed having children, in part because of fertility issues, but also because of how unpredictable military life could be. By the time we had our kids in our 40s, we'd already spent two decades building our relationship. Like military life, parenting taught us that prioritizing our marriage required making little choices every day. It meant noticing each other, making room for each other and remembering that even after decades, our relationship still needed attention.

Create a New Chapter

Because we became parents later in life, we're not quite to the empty-nest stage yet — but we can see it on the horizon. The chaotic years of raising young children, managing our careers and just trying to get enough sleep are mostly behind us. Now we have more freedom to ask: How do we want to spend this next chapter together?

One answer has been surprisingly simple: we make plans. Whether we’re running errands or binge-watching a Netflix show, we find ways to enjoy each other’s company. Recently, we got unlimited movie theater passes. Knowing we'll have a few hours each week gives us something to look forward to, and we can decide on a whim to catch a movie in the middle of a summer afternoon. Sure, it’s nice to share my popcorn with my favorite guy, but it's less about the film than about making time for us.

We're also planning to join a gym this fall. Staying healthy matters as we get older, but so does having a shared goal. We can encourage each other, laugh when workouts are harder than expected and make taking care of ourselves something we do as a team.

Little Things Matter Most

Over the years, we've learned that staying connected often comes through the smallest gestures. During the day, we share interesting articles, funny memes and "I love you" texts. Those messages remind us that even when we're busy doing our own things, we're still thinking about each other.

At this point in our lives, romance doesn't always look like grand gestures. Sometimes it looks like my husband putting gas in my car on a Saturday morning or me bringing him a bag of candy corn as soon as I see it in the store. It can also be making each other laugh or listening when one of us needs to vent.

It's easy to assume we already know everything about our partner. But people keep changing. We both have new interests and opinions, and staying curious means continuing to discover new things about one another.

We've also kept up our date nights. Twice a month, we go out. It doesn't have to be elaborate. In fact, it usually isn’t. We might have dinner at a favorite restaurant or do something different from our usual routine. The important part is that we treat our time together as worth planning.

One of my favorite habits may be the simplest: we go to bed at the same time. We have different rhythms — he's an early bird, while I'm more of a night owl — but ending the day together gives us a sense of closeness. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we snuggle while fighting for space on the bed with two dogs and a cat competing for our attention, and sometimes I'm reading while he's already asleep. But that physical closeness is its own kind of connection.

Still Choosing Each Other

After more than three decades together, our marriage doesn't look the way it did in the beginning — and I’m not sure I would want it to. I love our shared memories and the inside jokes that need no explanation. We may not have the constant butterflies of newlyweds, but the spark is very much still there. It's just woven into something deeper — trust, companionship and the solid comfort of knowing we've chosen each other through every season of life. We didn’t have to, but we did. We still do.

That doesn't mean it's always easy — he can drive me crazy, and I know I do the same to him. We've had to adapt to unexpected changes, from moving between duty stations to figuring out what comes next after military retirement. Still, we've found a unique joy in growing older together. And there’s something sacred about being with someone who's seen me through so many versions of myself — and who still reaches for my hand and calls me “my girl.”

So, no, we haven’t found the secret to a perfect marriage. But after all these years, I still look forward to seeing him at the end of the day — and that feels pretty perfect to me.

How long have YOU been married? How do you stay close? Let us know in the comments below.

Kristina Wright has written for a variety of publications, including the Washington Post, Business Insider, The Girlfriend, Narratively and USA Today. She is a regular contributor at Optimism and BookBub, and she writes a monthly column for the Washington Independent Review of Books. Kristina lives in the suburbs of Richmond, Virginia, with her husband, two teenage sons, two Goldendoodles and a ginger cat.