The Best Question You Can Ask a Mother

It's the perfect present for Mother's Day.

By

Kim Marcum

 
Published April 30, 2026

Through the years, I have become a pretty good problem solver. Or, at least, so I thought.

I have navigated changes in marital status, careers, supply chains and hairstyles. I have orchestrated moves halfway across the country in under a week, fixed TV remotes and garbage disposals from 1,200 miles away and consulted on attire for life-changing interviews over FaceTime. I’ve also managed to plan meals and balance budgets for two households in different time zones. Not a bad resume of life skills, or so I thought.

All these experiences added up to a lot of advice, which I liberally shared with friends and family. It did not go unnoticed. During a girls’ getaway a few years ago, one of my friends grabbed my arm while we were out scouting the shops. “You have got to see these coasters,” she said. “They are so cute.”

And they were cute, but they also had a message that hit home and made me smile — so much so that I had to bring them home with me. On the beverage coasters was a little girl in Victorian finery staring straight into the camera with a lot of attitude. Next to her were these words: “I’m not bossy. I just have better ideas.”

A couple of hours later, the dashboard of our rental car lit up with red warning signs that showed all four tires losing pressure. When we pulled into a nearby gas station and rolled over to the air machine, we all leaped out. Someone had quarters that they fed into the machine, and it started whirring loudly. Knowing we had four tires and only a few minutes, I grabbed the hose while they chronicled the event with their cell phones.

In the end, we discovered it wasn’t the tires going flat, it was the sensors acting up, and we all cursed the rental car. Now when I look at those photos, I wonder if I was being bossy or just knew what to do.

Eventually, there was an epiphany. That’s when I discovered what everyone from a Sesame Street resource featuring Grandma Nell to bestselling author Sahil Bloom on Instagram already knew: Not everyone wants their problem solved for them. Instead of help, sometimes our friends and family simply want to be heard or hugged.

The three Hs immediately became part of my tool kit. The hugging part is easy, and actually good for our health. I’m a hugger by nature and fully embrace their value. Being there only to listen and hear someone out? Well, that was more of a challenge.

Over time, I came to realize it requires more than the occasional nod or uh-huh of agreement while my mind wandered off to multitask on another issue actually under my control. Truly listening, mentally working out the Rubik’s Cube of the problem at hand and not saying anything? That’s asking a lot.

But I worked at it, scribbling notes as I listened. Those helped me frame the questions I was eager to hear the answers to — but didn’t ask. I got better at listening and keeping my hard-earned opinions to myself.

And then, one day, it happened. During a twisting, turning account of events that rivaled a roller coaster, I heard the question from one of my fiercely independent daughters, “What do you think, Mom?”

I tried not to sound too surprised, too eager, but truth be told, it had been a long time coming. I had finally been invited to give my opinion. To me, that seemingly simple question was a validation that my experiences mattered, and my perspective was deemed worthy.

That those five words were spontaneous and the moment so authentic only made them more powerful. I tamped down my initial response that was akin to, “Wow, I can’t believe you actually want to hear what I have to say.” Such an honest outburst would have made sure that question was never repeated. Instead, I said, “You are a smart woman and probably know the answer already. I can tell you how I’ve handled situations like that, but only you know what’s right for you.”

Then it was her turn to listen as I told my story.

I’m not sure how often I will get this gift of my children asking for my opinion, but it is certainly appreciated. With it comes the realization that I could pay this gift forward with my own mother.

It started with easy topics. Knowing her fondness for the fashionable, I asked for her thoughts on some outfits I was shopping for online. She smiled and jumped in with opinions.

From there we moved into trickier territory like discussing upgrades around her house. She suggested lever door handles that would be easier to open with her arthritic hands than the round knobs that had been there for decades. It was a great idea that we immediately implemented.

Now, I continue to remind myself how essential this question is as we navigate her recovery from a fall. I think I know the answers. But along the way I have to concentrate on that third H — letting her be heard. So, I am reminding myself to ask often, “What do you think, Mom?” It’s a gift free for the asking, but worth so much. And who knows how much longer I’ll be able to ask it.

As a fashion editor in Dallas, Kim Marcum covered the international ready-to-wear collections in four fashion capitals and interviewed iconic designers from Giorgio Armani to Ralph Lauren. Later in her journalism career at the Orlando Sentinel, she was the senior editor on a Pulitzer Prize finalist in Local Reporting (2013) and on a project that earned the 2013 Diversity Award from the Freedom Forum/American Society of Newspaper Editors. In 2014, she joined Orlando Health, where she is the corporate director of strategic communications. She has two adult daughters and a grandpuppy.