How to Keep Your In-Laws From Becoming Out-Laws

Helpful tips for keeping the family peace.

By

Iris Mersky Myles

 
Published September 03, 2026
Illustration of an older adult standing outside a home looking through a window at a multigenerational family gathering that includes a newborn baby, caregivers and older adults sharing a meal
Nicole Xu

I sit at home today, preparing to spend a holiday meal with my boyfriend’s family. I am a widow, he is divorced, we are both in our 70s and have been together for six years.

His ex-wife is hosting in the home where they raised their children. Everyone will be there: his daughter, her husband, their three-year-old and her in-laws, along with his son, his wife and their infant.

Meanwhile my daughter, her husband and four children will be a plane ride away, celebrating with her husband’s youngest sister, her husband and their new baby. My in-laws traveled with them.

We were invited, wholeheartedly. Why didn’t we go? I could blame the projected chaos of the airport, the likely delays, crowded seats and frequent complaints from the young ones. Not the truth.

I’ve come to learn that dividing attention between all those relatives will be difficult enough for my daughter without having to attend to me. I’m lucky to have a close, warm relationship with my in-laws and want to keep it that way.

Since before their marriage, certain traditions were set. My daughter’s mother-in-law is a world-class cook; I’ve given up trying to compete. Particular holidays are hers. I gladly bring my standard colorful fruit salad and revel in her spicy side dishes and perfectly seasoned entrees.

My first foray into bringing gourmet side dishes was my ginger-lemon berry salad. It was uniquely tart and sweet, making the mouth pucker with delight. After the first compliment from my son-in-law and the oohs and aahs from assorted guests, his mother declared it too acidic and subtly suggested I leave out anything but the fruit. Message delivered and accepted.

Other holidays were mine. When my husband was alive, we had a house that easily held as many as necessary and then some. Now, things have changed. As a widow, I’ve downsized. A dinner party of six is doable, but more than that is impossible. And as my son-in-law’s sisters got married and had babies, they were excused from traveling back to our hometown.

I do hear horror stories about fractious in-laws, badly behaved siblings and holidays grimly endured through gritted teeth. I’m grateful my daughter and grandchildren enjoy the ease and love they receive from her in-laws and her husband’s siblings. But sometimes I am envious of what they can provide.

If our nuclear family were reconstituted to its original state, my daughter would have her father and her brother in her orbit. We were a close-knit crew who enjoyed spending time with her in-laws. Holiday dinners, vacations at our beach house and joint hikes were ritual outings. The kids immediately clicked and were developing family jokes and games. The grandchildren, my daughter’s three kids, were cherished by both families.

We were expecting more grandchildren from my son and my daughter’s sisters-in-law, although none were married. Then, 11 years ago, my husband and son died, two months apart. I became the Widow. (There’s no name for someone who has lost a child as far as I know.)

I was always invited to fill a conveniently extra chair. Unheard at gatherings next to the garrulous mother-in-law who had a husband as backup. Added as an afterthought to their family vacations.

No one tells you the death of a family member has ripple effects on every relationship, including the one with in-laws. A friendly foursome is easier than an extra grandparent who might need assistance. And my position as the wife’s mother, traditionally the closest to her and her nuclear family, feels less secure given all my in-laws can offer.

Now I take my daughter and family on trips myself, or with my boyfriend. My daughter, granddaughter and I recently spent a long weekend in Paris, with another grandmother/mother/granddaughter trio. Glorious! And my boyfriend and I invited them on a cruise a few Decembers ago. Fabulous!

A wonderful wrinkle is on the horizon. My daughter and her husband bought a second home in a state where my boyfriend and I spend winter months. My family will start with vacations and long weekends as the children transition to college and eventually will spend more months there. We are two hours away from them, depending on traffic.

How lucky! New adventures! Except… my daughter’s mother-in-law declared they would buy in the same state, as close as possible to her son so they all can walk to one another! I can envision her succulent, home-baked dinners being delivered to my daughter’s home every evening. Why don’t they move to the state where both her daughters and toddler grandsons live? No, they don’t like where they live. They want to be near her son and my daughter and their kids.

What to do with the not-so-nice feelings churning in my stomach? As is true with virtually every challenge of aging, I learn to adapt and create new ways to be with my family. I maintain my welcoming demeanor with the in-laws. And, at 76, I realize that nothing is guaranteed. Envy, anxiety and worry steal from today. Today is all I, and all of us, really have. So, I go on, with some in-law envy and lots of love for my family.

Do you all get along with your in-laws? Let us know in the comments below.

Iris Mersky Myles is an author, educator and psychotherapist with 40 years of experience helping her patients navigate through grief, loss, trauma and other challenging life events. She was a cherished wife for 45 years before the death of her husband, and is the mother of two and the grandmother of four. Follow her on Instagram @mylesiris.