How to Talk Respectfully in Contentious Times

Mastering the art of civil discourse isn't easy but it can be done.

By

Dana Lise Shavin

 
Published October 24, 2024
illustration of speech bubbles under the rain
Emanuela Carnevale

I’ll just say this upfront: I am weak when it comes to standing up for myself. I can point to all kinds of reasons why this might be: I was the youngest child in a family of whip-smart siblings, and it was hard to get a word in at the dinner table. When I did get a word in, I was often ignored or met with jokes at my own expense.

As a result, I became a master at hiding my thoughts. Throughout elementary and high school, my report cards consistently said that I refused to speak up or ask questions. As you might expect, in classes graded partially on participation, I fared poorly.

The idea of speaking out, especially in opposition to something, is so profoundly unsettling for me that I have sat mutely while people made critical remarks about politicians, television shows, ideas and people I admired. This also occurred when they proclaimed adherence to doctrines I felt were dangerous or destructive. But I am 62 now, and I feel like it’s more important than ever to speak my mind.

You can’t be alive today and not notice, sadly, that divisions and contentious behavior are prevalent.

For help navigating the waters of civil discourse, I turned to Sophia Fifner, President and CEO of the Columbus Metropolitan Club, which describes itself as “an organization that fosters non-partisan, civil conversations, connecting engaged citizens with thought leaders on a variety of community topics.”

Specifically, I asked what we have to gain by learning how to navigate difficult conversations respectfully. While she said that navigating tough conversations enables us to connect with other people on both a personal and professional stage, she added that the benefits go well beyond the individual. As a society, she said, learning to have hard conversations in a thoughtful, civil manner helps to build stronger communities.

“It strengthens our social fabric, making it more inclusive and supportive,” she said, while at the same time building empathy, understanding and connection. She added that having difficult conversations in a civil, respectful manner reduces polarization, division and conflict in a community.

We all know how easily disagreement can spiral into a verbal brawl. It’s what I fear most when I’m tempted to speak out. But Fifner assured me that if I keep certain things in mind, I can avert a fight.

Remembering that everyone comes to the table with different formative experiences and therefore different scars and being able to see them as people just like us will help us treat others with the compassion and respect they deserve. And bringing compassion and respect to any conversation drastically reduces the likelihood that hostilities will flare.

Fifner’s Columbus Metropolitan Club hosts weekly community conversations. “When helping residents engage thoughtfully, we encourage asking clarifying questions like, ‘Can you help me understand your perspective better?’ or ‘What experiences have shaped your view on this issue?’,” she notes. “Empathy is key. Using phrases like ‘I feel...’ instead of ‘You always...’ or ‘I think...’ instead of ‘You never...’ will go a long way toward maintaining a positive and more respectful conversation.”

But what if, despite our best intentions, we find ourselves in a conversation that is spiraling toward anger or making us uncomfortable? How do we exit without seeming like we are conceding our viewpoint?

“It’s not about conceding,” Fifner said, “it’s about preserving your well-being.” Setting boundaries is important as they allow us to feel secure and in control of events. There are a few ways to do this.

“Agree to speak later when emotions have settled,” she suggested. “Say, ‘I appreciate your perspective. Let’s continue this discussion later,’ or ‘I value what you’re saying, but I need to step away for now. Can we revisit this?’ This way you maintain your integrity and allow yourself to regroup.”

I asked Fifner if there were any debate skills she could suggest people bring to a discussion that might de-escalate an argument rather than escalate it. She made it clear I was thinking about civil discourse in the wrong way.

“I dislike the word debate,” she said. “Debates have rules, time limits and standards.” Rather than “debating,” she said, we want to approach discussions as conversations, with empathy and curiosity and a genuine desire to understand where the other person is coming from.

We discuss active listening, acknowledging the other person’s feelings, and finding common ground as good ways to connect positively in a conversation. She stresses the importance of asking questions, such as: "What values are most important to you in this issue?" and "Can we find a solution that respects both of our perspectives?"

Everything Fifner said about approaching difficult conversations not as debates but as friendly “fireside chats” made excellent sense to me. And yet the idea of talking to someone with contrasting viewpoints still made me quiver. Why is this so hard for me, I wondered? Is it really all about my childhood?

It turns out the answer to why it’s so hard is less personal and more universal: For most of us, it’s about our comfort zones.

“We often engage with those who share our views and experiences,” Fifner said, which creates a kind of echo chamber in our lives where we feel safe. But there is a danger in remaining there forever, in that it interferes with our ability to really understand how others think and feel, which, as Fifner pointed out, is important not just for our individual well-being, but for our community’s well-being.

It’s not easy to step away from our comfortable bed of certainty. But if we truly want to have civil discourse that takes us closer to a well-functioning, open-minded, cooperative society, that’s exactly what we have to do.

We all want to be heard and respected. It was my desire as a child at a dinner table that only rarely acknowledged my presence, and it is my desire now. But clearly, we must give to get. We must learn to listen to others and embrace what Fifner calls the “diversity of human experience.” The only way to do this is to leave our comfy echo chamber and engage others in respectful conversations about what they believe and why.

The effort requires a real commitment to seeing the good in others. If we can do that, then we will have gone a long way toward mastering the art of civil discourse, the rewards of which are rich: stronger, more inclusive communities where empathy and understanding are the norms, rather than polarization and conflict. It's a promise that should make all of us, regardless of our background or beliefs, eager to engage in healthy discourse.

How do you handle conversations with family and friends when you completely disagree with their viewpoints? Let us know in the comments below.

Dana’s essays and articles have appeared in The Sun, Oxford American, Garden and Gun, Today.com, Psychology Today, Next Avenue, Verywell Mind, the American Animal Hospital Association website, Travel + Leisure, and others. She is an award-winning humor columnist and travel writer for the Chattanooga Times Free Press, and the author of a memoir, The Body Tourist and of Finding the World: Thoughts on Life, Love, Home and Dogs, a collection of her most popular columns spanning twenty years. You can find more at Danashavin.com, and follow her on Facebook at Dana Shavin Writes.